Transitioning

I am transitioning, I can not tell you to what it is I am transitioning into, nor really what I am transitioning out of.All that being said I know I am a point of transition.

Is this that mid-life-crisis everyone used to talk about. I feel like nobody talks about it anymore because we are all to vain to look at ourselves as being in mid life, or as we all used to think about it, old. Well it might be for me, I am tired, I have no enthusiasm for the day (which is really new for me), I don't know what I want, although it should be said that is what I have been finding has been an issue in the past. Today I am working on the project that I doing with my sister, it is less than 36 hours until New Year's day and I have no plans. If I did would any of this change, would I not be in transition?

I don't want to look back at last New Years Day, I don't know what I was doing but it was more than I am doing now, probably delivering food for Grub Hub. At least I got paid for that. today I am here growing, I am writing this and feeling better already, I am here working on some front end things for a new app that might be a ticket to buying a home, might not also, but it is great to learn and be challenged. I don't have plans for the New Year Celebration and if I were to be invited somewhere it would at least make me feel like I was important enough to someone to be thought of. I think of people and reach out, send card, texts and just be friendly because I am thinking of them. Is that not normal?

I had a best friend and I have been temped to reach out to her because, well I woke up with the thought and I will have to eventually but I think I am going to wait. We texted on Christmas and she is taking space from out friendship because I have too much adoration for her. If I were to get a response from a text and less than a week later reach back out to her, I would be once again relying on her too much, well that's how I would perceive it. I like having a best friend. I don't even know where my next will come from. Usually always a woman they spring up and then disappear I guess.

This life is pretty amazing, I must say. I am a great person, a great man, a perfect god and I can't even see it. All of that is obscured to me somehow I judge myself harder than I will judge anyone. I must not be seeing them as me, but that is the answer to loving myself. What a great mystery.

Well back to the things I want and prefer...

I prefer fun,
What is fun?
Fun is not educational
"Don't define what something is by what it is not Garcia."
Right, Fun... Hmmm well I guess fun changes from day to day but for me Fun can often be interacting with others, openly, often over food.
What about your surroundings?
Well, I like to be outside, so my hikes, when they have a breakfast tacked onto the end of them, that's fun, and I am lucky enough to be doing that exact thing with a friend Doris in a couple days. I also like being in new places, places I have never been before.
Like other people's apartments?
Yes exactly, which talks a lot about my Portrait Project, So much fun. It is a lot of work of course also but, that is okay, I only feel the work what I get home and have to document the project. Doing the work was never too much.
Well what about a house?
I would love a bungalow, but really that's just because I lived in one before. What I would like is a brick house, over or around 100 years old and I would love to make it mine. Hard wood floors, fireplace or fire pit, a solarium, windows that beg me to look out them, a garden, I don't care about a lawn so much but a garden is important. I would like to continue to do Air B&B so maybe a few extra bedrooms, doing that brings people into my life and I can talk to folks and interact which I think is fun.
Is there ever too much fun?
Well there can be to much of something but fun changes its definition then. Fun is also painting, or writing, or making a basket, it can be doing things alone, I would want my bedroom to be a place I could do those things if I so chose.
What about a lover?
That is not necessary. I want to Love for sure but I don't need a lover to do that. Really I only need myself.
Do you want a garage?
Oh yeah, I have to have a garage, I mean a parking slab would be fine also, but I would eventually have a garage put in. I just want my own private place to put my car, which I will have.
What kind?
Dunno, I have been thinking about that a lot recently. I like cars, so no SUV or Minivan/Van I mean I don't need to haul huge things around and I could always rent a truck when I do. but I like hatchbacks and I think I could say I like sport Hatches. When a time comes for me to choose a car it'll most likely be a 3 door sport hatch.

I don't daydream like that much but it feels good to. xoxo